Two guys run into a bar.
The first guys say to the bartender, "Quick! Give me a drink before the trouble starts."
The bartender quickly gives him a drink, and GULP.
The second guy says to the bartender, "Quick! Give me a drink before the trouble starts."
The bartender gives him a drink, and GULP.
The bartender says, "Hey, who’s gonna pay for those drinks?!"
First guy says to second guy, "I think the trouble just started."
What’d He Say?
THE policeman pulled over an elderly driver and said, "My gosh, man, didn’t you realize your wife fell out of the car 3 miles back?"
"Thanks be to God," exclaimed the old gent, "I thought I’d gone deaf!"
A truck driver was driving downhill pretty fast, he saw a couple making love in the middle of the road. He honked really loud but nothing could stir their heaty lovemaking session. He braked just inches away from the couple. He got down angrily and shouted at the couple,
"Didn’t you both hear my truck?"
The guy replied finally after jerking off," You see, I was coming and she was coming, then you were coming, but you’re the only one who had brakes."
A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.
I said no to drugs, but they didn’t listen!
Death and taxes are inevitable; at least death doesn’t get worse every year.
Some people cause happiness wherever they go; Others, whenever they go.
There are two rules for success in life; the first is don’t tell people everything you know.
I used to be conceited; now I’m perfect.
If your parents didn’t have children, chances are you won’t either.
It’s impossible to fool proof anything because fools are so ingenious.
>By doing just a little bit each day, I can gradually let the task completely overwhelm me.
I wanted to go the Paranoids Anonymous meeting, but they wouldn’t tell me where it was.
When I was growing up, we were so poor that when I asked my father for something to play with, he cut a hole in my pants pocket.
This old lady walks out of the grocery store and goes to the bus stop. An old guy is sitting in the parking lot in his car. He drives over and says he’ll give her a ride home.
On the way he looks her over and says "You’re a pretty good looking old broad. I’ll pay you ten bucks for a piece of ass". She says "What???!!!". But then thinks that the old age check isn’t due for 5 more days, so she agrees. They are lying on the bed after its over having the usual smoke and he says to her "Geez if I had known that you were a virgin I would have offered you$20.00!" She looks back at him and says "If I had known you could get it up I would have taken off my pantyhose!"
A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown".
The small white guy faints !!
The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy. "What’s wrong?". The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown" The small white guy says "Thank god, I thought you said ‘Turn around’".
The economic recession had got him down. He turned to his wife and said,
"You know, if you would learn how to cook, we could do without the maid."
"Yes," she retorted, "and if you would learn how to fuck, we could do without the chauffeur."
One day, the president of the corporation starts calling in his senior vice presidents, one by one for a short talk. Then he starts calling in the junior vice presidents, one by one. Then he proceeded to call in all the rest of the company’s officers in order of seniority. Finally he calls in the new office boy. The office boy is petrified (he has never met the president before). The president tells the office boy to sit down, and the bellows at the boy; "Have you been fooling around with the new Secretary?"
The terrified office boy stammered out: "no, sir." So the president says: "Good, then you fire her!"
Camilla had come to see Dr. Hardy. When the shrink began using sexual terms, she interrupted,
"Wait, what is a phallic symbol?"
"A phallic symbol," explained Hardy, "represents the phallus."
"What’s a phallus?" asked Camilla.
"Well," said the analyst, "the best way to explain it is to show you.
He stood up, unzipped his fly and took out his pecker. "This is a phallus."
"Oh," said the girl. "It’s like a prick, only smaller."
Dr. Whitcomb was examining a pretty New York high fashion model.
"My, you have a big vagina! My, you have a big vagina!"
"Oh, Doctor," retorted the girl, "you didn’t have to repeat it!"
"I didn’t!" said the M.D.
Dr. Kinney completed his examination of the teenage girl and took her mother aside. "I’m afraid," he said, "that your daughter has syphilis."
"Oh, my!" exclaimed the embarrassed woman. "Tell me, could she possibly have caught it in a public avatory?"
"It’s possible," replied the M.D., "but it would certainly have been uncomfortable."
A lesbian goes for her annual physical. After the ob/gyn completes the physical s/he says,
"You can get dressed now– your test results will be >back in a few days, but stop by my office and I’ll review the exam I just gave you."
When the patient gets to the office, the MD says, "Well, you seem to be in perfect health–I couldn’t find a thing wrong in my exam. Furthermore, I’d like to compliment you on your excellent personal hygiene. I have hundreds of patients, and I can’t think of a one of them who keeps her genital area so clean and fresh." The patient says, "Well, there’s a perfectly good reason for that–you see, I have a woman in at least three times a week."
A man is in a hotel lobby and wants to ask the desk clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him, and as he d
oes his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know that you’ll forgive me." She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 436."
If your fortune cookie said "You will get food poisoning", would you eat it?